In a heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) Read online

  It was past five o’clock when they left the garden and they were too exhausted for any more sightseeing. Niki suggested they go back to the hotel, have a shower, freshen up and go out to dinner.

  They all collapsed into bed a little after midnight after enjoying an amazing meal and a walk around the city centre, mixing with the tourists and locals, all out to have some Saturday night fun.

  The next day, Niki insisted they needed to go shopping – saying it was against the law to come to Milan and not shop! Their first stop was Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II – one of the poshest shopping centres Stella had ever seen. It was situated close to the Duomo and looked like a luxurious cathedral inside. It had an enormous glass roof that cast light into the furthest corners of the building and brought to life the elaborate art decorating the mall. Niki explained that it had opened way back in 1867, and Prada’s flagship store had opened here in 1913. Her eyes lit with excitement as she talked, marvelling at the grand style of the building. They sat down for a coffee and a little rest and Stella almost choked when she saw the ten-euro price tag for a single espresso.

  “If you wanna drink your coffee between Prada, Fendi and Gucci, you need to pay the price,” Niki had said, as she took a sip of the miniature drink.

  They didn’t buy anything from the Galleria, because a bag cost as much as a small car, but outside the building there were many designer outlets scattered around. They all found some treasures with ‘seventy per cent off’ labels stuck on them, and went to early dinner happily carrying their shopping bags, before climbing into the car and driving back home.

  When they reached home on Sunday evening, all three of them were exhausted and headed straight to their respective rooms.

  As Stella lay in her bed, she relived the events of the weekend with a smile on her face. She’d really enjoyed the trip, and spending time with Lisa and Niki. It had been very relaxing and liberating.

  Without any warning, her thoughts drifted towards Max. He hadn’t called or texted all weekend, which was unusual. Stella wondered if she should be worried, but then remembered the last time she’d seen him and what he’d been doing – going out with Beppe to pick up girls. Maybe he had picked up a girl and had spent the weekend with her, and that was why he’d not thought of Stella.

  The very notion that Max had been with a girl all this time sent pangs of jealousy in her gut, so strong that her dinner threatened to come out. She felt acid flood her stomach and her mouth watered. Forcing her body to calm down, Stella swung off the bed and went to get a glass of water from the bathroom.

  The thought of Max with another girl wasn’t simply jealousy-inducing. It also scared her. Stella couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe because Max had been a great friend and someone she had come to trust, or because he was the only support system she had here since Lisa was so fragile herself at the moment.

  Or because suddenly she felt empty without him in her life.

  The following few days dragged by. Stella felt restless without Max. He still hadn’t called or texted or shown any sign of being alive. For a second Stella had entertained the idea that something might have happened to him, but then she remembered that bad news always travelled fast and someone would have told Lisa. He was probably too busy entertaining his weekend conquest and had completely forgotten about her. Stella wanted to ask Lisa if she’d heard of him, but she didn’t want to seem needy. She was too proud for that. If he didn’t want to call – fine. She certainly wasn’t going to beg.

  On the plus side, Lisa was much more attentive and seemed happier. She spent a lot of time with Stella. They had a lot of fun going around town, to the cinema, or shopping. It was just as Stella had imagined it before she came – her and Lisa, relaxing and having a good time. She’d never imagined meeting Max and turning her life on its head.

  Stella told Lisa about her date with Rico and she was overly enthusiastic, until Stella clarified that there hadn’t been a spark and she wasn’t seeing him again. Something passed in Lisa’s eyes just then, but Stella couldn’t tell exactly what. Her cousin didn’t comment on it though, and Stella sighed in relief that this time there wouldn’t be a lecture. If Stella had told her the real reason why she hadn’t wanted to see Rico again, there certainly would have been a lecture, and a long one at that. By now Stella knew it by heart: you have cancer, you live in another country, he’s a good guy, you’ll hurt him and yourself, blah, blah, blah. She didn’t need all those reminders of why she shouldn’t be with Max. She just knew that she wanted to be with him – period. Obviously he had changed his mind.

  It was all good until on Wednesday Lisa sneaked out again. She had something to do, again. It caught Stella a bit off guard, because they’d been sunbathing by the pool and she was in her bikini when Lisa went inside and came back a few minutes later, dressed and ready to go. What was Stella supposed to do? Tackle her to the ground until she confessed where she was going? She had just shrugged instead, frowning.

  Lisa was getting sneakier, which meant she was worried that Stella might be on to her. Which she definitely was. Next time she wouldn’t allow herself to be caught off guard. Next time she planned to follow her and solve that mystery once and for all.

  Stella wished so badly that Max would call. If he did, she’d tell him all this and he’d have some insight. He’d help her. Most of all, she just wanted to hear his voice.

  She missed him so much.

  Thinking about what he might be doing, who he might be doing it with or why he had suddenly stopped calling shattered her heart in a million pieces every single time. It hurt because she thought she’d lost him, and the idea of never seeing him again killed her.

  On Friday Lisa went out to ‘run an errand’ again. This time Stella was ready. She followed her to the street and saw her getting into a taxi.

  Now what?

  The only option she had was to climb into the next taxi and follow her, ignoring the comparison with a cheap gangster movie. Her eyes scanned the street for available cars and there was one coming her way. Stella raised her hand and called it, but when it stopped in front of her and she opened the door ready to hop in, she froze. The guy behind the wheel looked so much like the man who had killed Eric and her dad – same short brown hair, same dull blue eyes, same complacent smile. Her brain went into lock-down. Everything around her blurred and she felt dizzy.

  “You coming in or what?” the guy behind the wheel barked at her and startled her out of her trance. Shaking her head she slammed the door and ran.

  Stella had no idea where she was going; she just knew that she wanted to get away from there. Memories flooded her head and she needed to escape. Not caring about Lisa any more, she ran until her legs wouldn’t support her weight any longer.

  Collapsing on the pavement, she leaned her back against a nearby wall and tugged her legs underneath her. Then the tears came. Thank God it was a small side street and there was no one around, because Stella cried until all the pain had washed away from her chest and she could breathe again.

  She had no idea how much time had passed until she heard someone coming. Exhausted and unable to move or even care that someone would see her this way, she remained where she was, hoping the stranger would pass by her like people in London did.

  However, this wasn’t London; it was Italy, where people didn’t have a problem with sticking their noses into other people’s business. Plus – it wasn’t a stranger.

  “Oh my God: what the hell are you doing?” Gia said as she recognised Stella. “Why are you on the ground? Stella, what happened?” Judging by her voice she was very worried, but Stella couldn’t find any strength left in her to pretend everything was fine.

  She looked at Gia blankly as she said,

  “I’m fine. Can you please take me home? I have no idea where I am.”

  Gia was looking at her with pure horror written on her face, but she pursed her lips and, without saying another word, slipped her arm under Stella’s shoulders and helped her to her fee
t.

  Stella was thankful, not only because Gia didn’t ask any more questions but also because she brought her home, tucked her into bed and left. It wasn’t long before she fell asleep and forgot all about the real world.

  *

  Max’s phone rang as he was heading for the bar.

  “Yeah,” he said as he picked up, seeing his sister’s name on the screen.

  “What the hell did you do to her, Max?” She sounded really pissed off. Not that it was hard to make her mad – Gia’s fuse was only about an inch long – but still, she rarely shouted at him anymore.

  I guess guilt does that to people.

  “Who’s ‘her’?”

  “Stella!” Immediately, he tensed.

  “I haven’t seen her in a week; I haven’t done anything to her. Is she OK?”

  “No! I found her sitting on the street behind the restaurant, confused, her face all puffy and her eyes red from crying.”

  Max was clutching the phone so hard his knuckles went white. He didn’t know what to think. Was he the reason Stella was crying in the middle of the street? Even if he wasn’t, that didn’t make it any better.

  Why? She was very good at maintaining her composure and control; what could have happened to make her lose it?

  “Max? Still there?” Gia’s voice brought him back to the call.

  “Yeah. Where are you now?”

  “I took her to Lisa’s and tucked her into bed. I’m going home now.”

  “Why did you assume I had something to do with this?”

  “Oh come on, Max. We’ve all seen how you look at each other and wished you’d get a hotel room for the weekend and get it over with already. This is getting ridiculous. I can’t deal with your shit right now – I’ve got a ton of my own.”

  She hung up on him and he felt like slamming the phone into the pavement. This was so typical of Gia – caring about her own problems without looking around and even considering helping someone else with theirs. As much as he loved her, Max had to admit that his sister was a selfish bitch.

  What was he supposed to do now? Stella was safely at home, so he didn’t need to worry about her – right? It had almost killed him to keep his distance all week and if he gave in now and went to her, there would be no going back. He had reached the point of no return.

  He hadn’t slept properly all week. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her kissing Rico. Max buried himself in work, taking overlapping shifts at the beach and at the bar. At this point he was so exhausted he was functioning on autopilot – and still he couldn’t sleep.

  That girl had ruined his life. He had fallen in love with her fast and hard. Stella had stormed into his perfectly normal life and scrambled it until he didn’t know what was worth fighting for anymore. All his dreams and ambitions featured her now. Every time he imagined his future life, he saw her in it, and every time that happened he had to remind himself that she didn’t want to be imagined there. She didn’t want him, not for the long run.

  When in fact, Stella was all he wanted.

  *

  Lisa knocked on her door when she came back from the gallery. Stella didn’t want to tell her about what had happened today, so she just pretended she was feeling very tired and wanted to get an early night. In fact, she hadn’t left the bed since Gia brought her home and she didn’t feel like getting up at least until morning.

  Lisa understood and left her alone.

  It was Saturday. Eight days since Stella had last seen or talked to Max. If eight days felt like an eternity, how was she supposed to survive the next six weeks?

  Determination flooded her veins and mixed with her blood. Swinging her legs off the bed, Stella took a shower, blow-dried her hair, put on some make-up to cover the effects of yesterday’s melt-down, got dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that had a bat on it saying: ‘I’m not a morning person’ and went downstairs to the kitchen. Niki must have left for work because it was 10 a.m., and Lisa was alone, making coffee.

  “Oh, hey, you feeling better?” she asked, noticing Stella coming into the kitchen.

  “Yeah. I haven’t been sleeping well recently. I just needed to catch up on sleep.”

  They drank coffee and had breakfast before Stella gathered the courage to ask Lisa about Max.

  “So, Max is strangely absent this week. You know why?” she asked as casually as possible.

  “I texted him a couple of days ago; he said he was busy working double shifts, because he wanted to take some days off next month.”

  That sounded plausible, yet unconvincing. Was he hiding the true reason from Lisa?

  “I’m surprised you didn’t know. Are you guys OK?” Lisa asked, her expression carefully concealed.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. So, what are we doing today?” Stella asked, desperate to lead the conversation in another direction. Lisa wasn’t so easily fooled, but she decided to let it go and didn’t ask any more questions.

  “There’s this exhibition at Masala Stefania art gallery that I really wanted to see. Wanna come?”

  “Sure.”

  They went to the exhibition, but Stella couldn’t concentrate on any of the paintings. She followed Lisa around, half listening to her comments, half deep in thought.

  Had Gia told Max how she’d found her yesterday? If she had, why hadn’t he called to check on her? Why was he suddenly so disinterested in her? What was she missing?

  And most importantly, how could she get him back?

  *

  It took a lot of effort not to call Stella after what Gia had told him. Not just because he was in love with her and she woke all his protective instincts, but also because it would have been the decent thing to do, even if they were just friends.

  He was sick and tired of thinking about her. It had to stop, at least for the night.

  Max dialled Beppe’s number.

  “Hey, man, any plans for tonight?” he asked.

  “No, not yet. Why? Are you proposing something?” Beppe’s voice immediately took a devilish edge.

  “Yeah: let’s get wasted and hook up with some girls.”

  “I like how that sounds. I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Lisa wanted to go out on Saturday night, but Stella claimed to be exhausted from their walk around town all day and declined. Her cousin asked if she minded if she went out without her, and of course Stella said she didn’t.

  Gia came to pick her up about an hour later. She looked at Stella, sizing her up, checking whether she’d recovered from the crying-in-the-middle-of-the-street incident. Plastering a smile on her face, Stella gave the impression that she was absolutely fine, just a little tired. While they waited for Lisa to get ready, Stella told her all about the exhibition they’d seen that day, and her happy attitude towards life seemed to convince Gia that she was indeed fine.

  After they had left, Stella’s carefully sustained facade crumbled. Tears sprang to her eyes and she didn’t know exactly why. Something inside her broke. It was as if she had been holding back for so long that she couldn’t support her artificial walls anymore.

  She ran to her room and closed the door behind her, sliding onto the floor and crying until she had no tears left.

  When she had calmed down, she took a shower and went to bed. Her eyes were dry, but her chest was still heavy. Usually she felt better after she’d let all the tears flow, but not this time. Digging deep inside her to discover the reason for her heavy heart, for the first time she was able to admit to herself something she’d known all along, but didn’t want to own up to.

  She was in love with Max.

  But she had lost him in her stubborn desire to protect both of their hearts. How could she love someone when she didn’t know if she’d live long enough to have a real life with them? What if when she got back to London the doctors told her that her cancer was back? Or that it had spread to other organs, to her blood? What would she tell Max?

  Maybe it was better to let go now when it wa
s still possible.

  It was too damn hard, though.

  In her desperation Stella did something she’d never done before, not even when she had found out about the cancer. Back then she’d had her mum and the doctors and had felt that someone was looking out for her, protecting her, praying for her. Now she had no one who could tell her what to do.

  She closed her eyes and imagined Eric and her dad watching over her when she spoke,

  “Dad, Eric ... I don’t know if you guys can hear me,” she began, her voice a whisper. “But I need you. I need your guidance. I feel so lost, so alone.” She closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I miss you both so much. I’m sorry that I’ve never talked to you before but ... it’s hard. You’re gone and I ... Mum and I, we were left behind and we got lost somewhere along the way. We existed but didn’t live. For the first time in my life since then, I feel like I want to live. I want to have a future, a family. And for the first time in my life I have a reason to live. I have someone who makes me happy and who makes me imagine a long life ahead of me. But I guess I should say ‘had’, not ‘have’, because I’ve pushed him away too many times and he doesn’t want me anymore.” Stella closed her eyes, because a giant lump had formed in her throat and she couldn’t speak any longer.

  “Please,” she continued, the word barely audible. “Help me. Show me what to do. I want him but I’m scared and I feel it’s not fair to him to be with me, because of my illness. But if I’m not with him I feel completely empty. I don’t really care if I’m healthy or not, because without him I’ll go back to just existing and pretending to live.”

  Sobs started escaping from her mouth instead of words, and Stella stopped talking. She thought she’d cried all her tears out, but apparently some were still left.

  Next morning the house was awfully quiet. Stella guessed Lisa was still sleeping, although she hadn’t heard her come in the night before. Considering that Stella had passed out after crying for what seemed like hours, that wasn’t a real indication of whether she was home or not. Niki was nowhere to be seen either. Sighing, Stella made coffee and, taking her Kindle, went outside by the pool. She sat on one of the loungers, sipping from her cup and thinking what to do today. Last night she’d expected to have some dream full of revelations, but she hadn’t dreamed of anything.